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Kath B (Button52) Two weeks ago today, here in our home,...
Kath B (Button52)Two weeks ago today, here in our home, at 1.20 pm my husband, Martin, lost his battle and took his final breath. 2016
Two weeks ago today, here in our home, at 1.20 pm my husband, Martin, lost his battle and took his final breath.
It's his funeral and cremation tomorrow and I still don't believe that he has gone. He will never, ever come back and my life will never, ever be the same.
We were told he was terminal on 24th November, 2015, and that he had 4 to 5 months life left but they were wrong - he didn't have 2 months and in honesty, the last 3 weeks he wasn't my Martin.
This post is to tell those of you that are so struggling that as easy as it is for you to light up that cigarette those that love you may find it hard or perhaps impossible to look after you should you become terminal and believe me, it can, could and may very well happen to you!
Just so you know, the next part is something you may not want to read but I hope you do because hopefully it will give you that incentive to stay quit.
In the 59 days that Martin had after being told he was "a dead man walking" I saw him slowly but surely, day by day, then hour by hour and finally minute by minute go from the wonderful strong man that I married to my child who couldn't stand because he was unable to bear his own weight; couldn't talk; hadn't eaten for 7 days; hadn't drunk for 5 days and was wearing a nappy as he wasn't able to use either the toilet or a portable commode.
It destroyed me too, slowly but surely, day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute. I was holding his hand and whispering that I loved him in his ear when he took his last breath and my heart broke and I felt so helpless, so afraid and so very, very scared.
I do not hate anyone enough to wish them to have cancer and I most certainly do not wish anyone to be a carer for someone with terminal cancer.
Martin didn't believe in life after death but my Mum and Dad did and he was the son that they didn't have and they always, always told the truth so I know that they were waiting for him and will look after him until I join them.
If I was a brave person, I would join him now but I'm not brave at all so I will have to learn to live without him by my side and after 42+ years, that is going to be a darn sight harder than quitting smoking.
I miss him terribly. The guilt I have because I couldn't "fix" him will never go away. Nothing and I repeat nothing prepares you for life after the death of a loved one and I feel so alone and lonely and I just want him back so much.
Martin and I over the last few months told each other "I LOVE YOU" very, very often. We even joked sometimes that "I love you more than you love me". If you love someone then don't be scared or frightened to tell them so and tell them often because there will come a time when you say "I LOVE YOU" but there is no answering "I LOVE YOU TOO" and believe me when I say that hurts, it hurts like hell.
He is now at peace and free from pain and for that I am truly thankful and maybe, just maybe, in time my pain will ease too.
