It's The Monkey
From gummer on 7/31/2007 11:15:36 PM
You know how addiction is often referred to as a "monkey on your back"? Well, I think there is actually a lot of wisdom in that expression....
You see, the worst part about quitting is that dreadful feeling of deprivation... that sense of not being able to have what YOU want... But that's where you make the mistake.... in believing that by quitting you are denying yourself something YOU really want.
It is not so.
The truth is... that need to smoke does not come from YOU. It is not a voluntary, conscious desire that YOU come up with all on your own. Nope, it is a separate thing you are carrying around. A condition that flares up independently . A malady caused by smoking. A parasite. It is a monkey on your back.
A monkey that feeds on nicotine. And every time this monkey gets hungry it starts tugging gently at your hair, and when you don't respond it starts pulling harder, and biting at your ears, and poking it's fingers in your eyes until you pay it undivided attention. It will settle for no less. It becomes such a menace you simply cannot concentrate on anything until he is satisfied first. But once sated he curls up comfortably against your shoulder again, and rubs his soft fur against your cheek, filling you with comfort, and relaxation, and happiness.... and then you are both content for a while.... until he gets hungry again.... and turns on you.
This is what you have been living with all these years. And you have carried this burdensome ape around for so long you no longer know what is YOUR desire and what is HIS. You have come to believe that his needs are yours. You have come to identify yourself with him, to love him in spite of the constant abuse. You have blurred the line where you end and where he begins. You have, in fact, allowed him to take control and become a major part of you.
And that is why quitting is so hellish. Because by denying the monkey's demands you feel like you are denying your own needs. No more. It is time to separate them... to look at your need to smoke as something separate from you... something alien... unwelcome... a burden... a parasite feeding off you. Externalize that need to smoke. Set it aside from YOU. Recognize it as a scourge thrust UPON you by smoking. It has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Every time you feel those withdrawals remember that it is not YOU bringing this on... what you are feeling is that bloody monkey tearing at you... having a fit because you will no longer play by it's rules. It is pulling out all the stops and tearing around your head, smacking you this way and that in a desperate attempt to get fed. But just like a real monkey, if you do not feed it, it will eventually go away.
So next time you feel desperate to smoke, remember... it's not YOU that wants the nicotine, it's the monkey. Don't feed it. Free yourself.