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Just a Slip
Just a Slip
FROM: Dr. Avery 2011-12-04 10:37:37
"It's not a relapse, it's just a slip. OK … two slips. By which I mean about six, technically."
Relax, I'm not talking about any one specific person. We've all seen this exact post a hundred times.
Every day people come to the board *after they've smoked* in order to defend the righteousness of their quits in spite of their decision to smoke.
In turn, a lot of people are going to jump in and say stuff like, "Not smoking is basically the entire point of quitting. You screwed up. Own it." All of this is genuinely meant to be helpful. The answer isn't 'kind', but it is the only honest answer: There is no 'participant' trophy for trying and failing to quit. There's no second place. It's all or nothing, Pass or fail, winner take all, loser does the dishes. And you just hit the fast track to failure.
Of course, such advice is almost invariably received as mean spirited and unfair. All that time had to mean something, right? The original poster will retaliate and defend their smoking, and then people start arguing about the gadget.
There's a reason for this, but first you have to understand that the gadget is not your quit. If you defended your quit with half the tenacity you defend your gadget numbers with, you'd have never smoked in the first place. I could set mine to zero, right now, and you can set yours to 100 years and it wouldn't mean a damn thing either way. The gadget is not your quit. It is merely a tool for measuring time elapsed from a date that you've put into it. It can mean whatever you want it to mean.
The only thing that matters is to not smoke.
So, if the gadget doesn't really matter, and if a slip isn't really a relapse, why does everyone come off so harsh to people who slip? There are a few reasons, and I'd like to share them with you.
1. Because you are supposed to post BEFORE you smoke.
That's how this thing works. We're here for you to keep you from smoking, not to absolve you of your guilt. You come in and gut it out, and we'll be right there with you. We're willing to take a lot of crap from people who are still in the fight, because we've been there. If you're so crazy from withdrawal that you need to post some angry stuff that won't fly on the board, you are welcome to send it to my Qmail and call me every name in the book while your at it, and I'll understand - as long as you don't smoke. But if you're looking for sympathy because you broke down and had a cigarette, you'll find it in the dictionary between 'Sh!t' and 'Syphilis'.
2. Self-Honesty.
Once you have made that decision that a single cigarette doesn't break your quit, you've introduced a fatal dishonesty to your quit. You have invented, in your own mind, the 'consequence free cigarette'. Once such a thing exists, it is only a matter of time until you can justify another one. This is as corrosive to recovery as anything could possibly be. How can we possibly know this? Because a lot of us have been there before. Once you find a way to weaken that wall, it's hard to get it back.
3. Because "just a slip" is almost never just a slip.
I'm going to drop some science on you. According to a guide at smokefree.gov, “Nine out of ten ex-smokers who have a cigarette after quitting later return to regular smoking.” The guide continues on to say "It does not happen right away, but one cigarette can lead to another, and another..."
Don't take my word for it, see for yourself: http://www.smokefree.gov/pubs/FFree4.pdf
A lot of people like to say that the statistics don't apply to them, but those statistics reflect what has actually happened with real people. These results have been duplicated time and again, and any number of us could back it up with anecdotal evidence. Just because you don't understand the math doesn't mean it doesn't apply to you.
It is true that an individual might end up on either side of that 90%/10% divide. But the Dolphins are three times more likely to beat the Patriots (3 of the last 9 meetings) than you are to be the 1 person in 10 who steadies course and succeeds.
Your instinct is right about one thing: It's not a matter of random chance. 1 person in 10 is working harder for it. What's the difference between a saved slip and a slippery slip?
While 9 people out of 10 are telling themselves they've still got it under control;
1 person out of 10 is owning their failure, and trying to understand what went wrong.
While 9 out of 10 are defending their slip and the validity of their quit;
1 person out of 10 isn't concerned with what other people think of their quit, only with the quit itself.
While 9 out of 10 people are arguing with people who've been quit for years or even a decade;
1 person in 10 is internalizing the wisdom of their 'smober elders'.
While 9 people in 10 are angry because the answers are mean and don't cater their own sense of self-aggrandizement;
1 person in 10 is listening, and learning hard lessons with humility and gratitude.
If you're the next person in line to post an 'I slipped' message, I hope you will understand that we really are trying to help you. There is no soft and cuddly, feel-good way to succeed in your quit. You have to take on a rigid mindset where smoking is concerned. A cigarette isn't a slip, it's a failure. Smoking isn't an accident, it's a decision. A slip isn't 'just a slip', it's a death sentence; But if you work hard and listen - you might just get that 11th hour miracle that brings you back from the brink.