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ADDICTIONS AND RELATIONSHIPS
REPOST by Craig R. random68 Date Unknown
MY NOTE: I find this post extremely enlightening and helpful to me, as a former female addict of smoking or drinking... and how totally self-centered my life was, while I wallowed in my addictions to smoking and drinking... It is a man’s view of human relationships and definitely “Food For Thought” to improve and nurture my relationships my husband and loved ones...
I love being asked for thoughts... I love answering questions... I love interacting with others in the hope that something beautiful will blossom for both of us…
Hence the following post in here... without a name or backstory attached. I believe it can apply to all us seeking to understand the changes in our lives. This is the result of the thinking I have now regarding relationships…
What do I think? I think you are in the middle of a hell of a lot of sh*t. And... As an alcoholic/ex-smoker I know I also have codependent issues… I lived my life trying to measure up to other people’s wants and needs, doing what I THOUGHT they wanted. But... Did I really know what they wanted? Maybe they accepted that as a poor substitute of the me they really wanted to know, love and see. What I read in your note is a lot of caring about what he SHOULD want or feel or need. I hear your telling him so much of your views and opinions...
One of the challenges in my recovery has been to find my still quiet place and listen. I have to listen for my own needs and wants. I have to patient with myself. And then I have to take that skill and use it outside of myself.
I HAVE to listen to others. I need to acknowledge what my wife wants, needs or feels. I need to be patient while she is figuring herself out just like I've been patient with figuring myself out…
Deep in your heart, what do you feel? Don't use your head and think… or feel about you. Why? My thinking is what is broken in my addiction… and in my actions… and in my reactions to life's problems. I react to the pain in my relationship with the most basic of instincts, run or fight. Instead… when I can take the time to feel first, and then think, those instincts are defused…
I believe that we all have an innate 'good/right/care/love' in us. I believe that we may have been hurt… or may be hurting now… and have/are creating a wall around that… to protect ourselves from the fears of disappointments/emotional pain/shame/guilt... whatever it is we don't want to feel.
My challenge for you, before your decided his future for him, sit and listen to your heart.
Make a list of pros and con's of the things you know you feel about him.
Evaluate that list for lies and truths, weigh the answers, seek to understand your own motivations.
Is your pain/challenge/life something that is really driving him away?
Or is it your fear of hurting him?
The only thing you can change is you.
You cannot change him or his reactions or his confusion…
You can accept him for who he is... and no, us guys don't have all the answers either.
Each moment is its own challenge that we can fight through or, accept and live through.
I share these ideas from the experience of having lived them…
Try them, they may work.
Keepin' it Sober and 'Smober ~Craig