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A Millennium Meander
A Millennium Meander
From Lots2learn on 11/10/2002 5:02:39 AM
The entire universe trembled as I put out my final cigarette.
Well, it might have, but I was too busy listening to my junky bluster to notice.
“If you hurry, you can get to the store buy a pack and smoke until midnight.”
“You are not really serious are you?”
“You cannot toss your ashtray, it is wasteful.”
“At least roll up the butts and have one more smoke before you quit.”
I discovered a quit strategy that night that worked very well, I went to bed. We have all heard some version of those voices, but the one that scared me the most was the one that said, “there is no life without smoking. You will be changed, everything will change.” I wanted change, yet feared what might happen. Now after 33 months, I look back and wonder what really has changed?
Besides the obvious, clean air, better health, clean teeth, has anything changed? I am still in the same house, the same job, and the same town. I fought depression, gained weight, lost weight, gained weight, all the things I had dealt with before quitting, so what was different?
What is different?
It may seem like a question that is not very important. Yet, the answer can be the difference between staying smoke free and embracing addiction again. I am not sure if the quit is a cause, a catalyst, or just another change I have experienced in the last 33 months. What is different?
I am happier now. This should perhaps be the final difference, a summation of all that is different, but it is the main reason I remain quit. I still have sad days, mad days, grumpy days, but those would have existed if I were a smoker. After getting past my quit depression, I have found myself happier more often.
I react to stress and change differently now. In the past I hid my emotions and needs behind a pillar of smoke. My only support in life was a cigarette; now I whine to friends.
Friends. That is a magical word. It has roots in the Old English word freon (to love) and freo (free). The meanings include: One attached to another by affection and esteem, a favored companion. My quit brought many favored companions to whom I am deeply attached. These friends I would not have met had I not quit, and they are a big part of the joy I feel.
Love. I discovered I was not too old to have my heart engulfed by a passion that I had last felt as a teenager. I think that might be a good motto to attract single smokers: Quit smoking and fall in love!!
Words. As the hours of not smoking began to fill my days I rediscovered a love for words. Prose to begin with, then poetry. Those friends I mentioned above will acknowledge my growing addiction to poetry. Love for a woman awoke my love for words; both are overwhelming.
Life. There are the things forgotten, the small things that are not noticed anymore, the things that were miracles at the start of my quit. I have not really changed; I have just begun to live life again. I have matured, and accepted responsibility for my life.
As a smoker, I drifted through life. I now find myself more engaged, and growing fonder of life everyday. Why (other than the pledge which still remains very important to me) did I not smoke today? Life, words, love, friends, support, joy- and these are only a few of the reasons. Some of these things might have happened if I were smoking or not, but I know most of them have arrived in my life because I put out my last smoke 33 months ago.
The universe trembles, and I have felt her ecstasy.
You are worth the effort it takes to quit, believe in yourself.